Turkish Engagement Traditions

Turkish engagement customs include many gifts of jewelry. Ornate rings, parures, and more remain customary to this day. Photo ©EraGem Jewelry.   Turkish engagement traditions include a variety of rituals involving the couples' family members. Traditionally, arranged marriages ruled the day in Turkey. While this practice remains in effect in parts of Eastern Turkey, a majority of Turks choose life partners of their own accord. Regardless of how the couple decides to marry, the path toward the wedding winds through numerous ancient traditions.  

Meet the Parents

Every aspect of Turkish engagement traditions carries significant weight in the culture. If their parents disagree with the union, regardless of the depth of their love for each other a couple would likely choose not to marry. Hence, the first ritual involves meeting each other's parents. One set of parents agrees to host the meeting. The host family takes time away from their daily routines to prepare a special meal for their guests of honor. Everyone dresses in their finest attire, and the entire company enjoy a feast together. Following the meal, the host family serves traditional sweets, tea, and fruit, and a conversation commences. If the families approve, then they immediately set a date for both families to meet each other to continue the progression. At this time, the groom's parents meet at the home of the bride-to-be's parents. On the day of their meeting, the bride's family prepares the food and helps her get ready. Frequently, the bride visits a salon for professional hair and makeup. Everyone else also dresses formally, and often important members of their extended families receive an invitation, as well.  

Turkish Engagement Coffee Ritual

The man's family arrives with a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers in hand. This signifies a request to eat sweet and then talk sweet. Furthermore, it expresses clearly their intent to ask for the bride's hand in marriage for their son. While some families actually declare their intent by asking outright, others allow the sweets and flowers to do the talking for them. Both ways remain acceptable. Guests receive a proper and formal greeting, and the families commence with small talk. Soon after, the bride-to-be opens the evening with the first tradition: making Turkish coffee. A perfect cup of Turkish coffee bubbles a bit on top. It takes special skill to prepare it properly. This test of her skill provides the groom's parents with evidence that she will make a good wife. Not to worry, the groom's character also receives testing with this custom. Indeed, the bride adds a bit of salt to the coffee before she serves it to her groom. If he drinks it without showing his displeasure, he demonstrates to her parents that he possesses the patience for the difficult days ahead. As with most customs like these, the families use these rituals to enjoy a good laugh. Of course, the claim that these tests prove their worth as a husband or wife remain primarily just for show. Once the laughter dies down, the oldest member groom's family transitions the evening to the serious business of matrimony. He speaks to her family on behalf of the groom, announcing the groom's intention to request permission to marry their daughter. An elder of the bride-to-be's family replies with their assent (hopefully), and then the bride and groom take turns kissing the backs of their elders' hands. As a symbol of sweet harmony between the families, sherbet is poured and everyone drinks in toast of the arrangement.  

The Rings & A Ribbon

Once the families drink their sherbet together, they choose an auspicious date for the engagement party. In some cases the families know each other well. In these cases, the engagement party often coincides with the "meeting of the parents." Traditionally, however, the engagement party remains a separate event, another opportunity to fix a fancy meal, get all dressed up, and celebrate the good life. Between the meeting of the families and the engagement party, the groom-to-be's mother takes her future daughter-in-law shopping for a new dress, fancy shoes, and engagement bands. These rings run the gamut of styles, from simple gold bands to ornately engraved platinum bands. Later, the mother of the groom also purchases a very special gift. She brings this gift to the engagement party to present to her future daughter in law. Close friends and family receive an invitation to the engagement party. Once again, the families converge at the bride's parents' home. They eat lunch together, with the women and men typically segregated. After the meal, the customary rituals begin.  

Jewelry and More Jewelry

First the mother of the groom presents her future daughter-in-law with the gift she purchased ahead of time: a lovely parure, including a necklace, a bracelet, and a pair of earrings. At this time, other distinguished members of both families present the bride with gifts, as well, usually more jewelry. Shortly thereafter, a member of the family carries out the engagement rings, tied together by a red ribbon. This appointed family member (usually an aunt or grandmother) presents the rings to the couple on a special presentation tray. After offering a word of intent and blessing, the elder places the rings on the bride and groom's right ring fingers. In some families the couple spends the rest of the evening joined by their rings and the red ribbon. However, in some households the family representative cuts the ribbon with a specially decorated pair of scissors. Afterwards, the youngest members of the families bring out the engagement cakes, and the families continue with harmonious conversation. In some households, the youngest members of the families join the newly engaged couple for a night out on the town, thus ending the party.  

Even More Gifts

As the months progress toward the wedding celebrations, the couple's families begin to lavish them with gifts in preparation for their new life together. These gifts of furniture and household goods ensure that when wedding comes the guests attend without wrapped gifts. Instead, they rain upon the bride with money. Forget the money tree, the Turkish bride becomes the fount of all blessing as her guests literally shower her with bills, coins, and gold.   Which customs of the Turkish engagement period appeal to you? ~Angela Magnotti Andrews